Funny Blog: White Whine

I think Complaint #223 was written just for me.

Evidence is important - comic

This is kind of how I sometimes want to deal with people who don't acknowledge the obvious.

Big Brother 8: A Gallery of Uselessness

Hi! My name is Brett. I’m not the same guy that wrote all those other great posts on this blog. I will post occasionally when I find/see something worthwhile, which is usually something useless.

So Big Brother 8, a reality show on CBS, recently sent out a press release touting their cast for the new season this summer. It contained a picture, first name, hometown, martial status and job for each contestant. Fortunately for the world wide web, I was able to use my entertainment industry connections and sleuthing skills to piece together background information on these TV stars-in-the-making. Now, as a public service, I present it to the internet.

Amber, 27
Las Vegas
Separated
Cocktail Waitress

Bio: At age 11, Amber's hair grew into her brain and has since become the dominate force in her personality. Her husband left her because she blew their joint savings account on not going to the hairdresser. Recently, her forehead has made a reclamation bid and has begun to stretch itself in order to remove the hair follicles from Amber's cerebellum. She chose to be on Big Brother because she is not attractive enough to be a real actress. She also has poor taste in eye makeup.

Quote: "No, we don't serve cocktail weenies here."

Carol, 21
Lawrence, Kan.
Single
Student

Bio: Though she was the perfect mix of vaguely ethnic yet from the heartland, Carol still had to work hard to be considered for this competition. She must constantly overcome obstacles like a terrible first name and a comically wide neck. She was able to make the cut by reminding producers that she’s hot. There is a 95% chance she is double majoring in communications and fashion design.

Quote: "Taylor is such a dick! I’m glad I only slept with him once."

Dick, 44
Los Angeles
Single
Bar Manager

Bio: After being branded a pariah in high school, Dick went on to play bass in a sub-par punk band that often covered The Clash. There, he was able to gain enough self-esteem by banging nasty groupies that he made the life-altering decision to wear whatever he wants, as long as it desperately screams for attention. Dick was chosen because he only had three fingers, and is therefore just barely classified as disabled enabling the producers to get a government subsidy to fund the show. He clearly enjoys being huge douchebag.

Quote: “Damn it! I lost another necklace!”

Daniele, 20
Huntington Beach, Calif.
Single
Waitress

Bio: The latest in animatronics, Daniele is the culmination of weeks of work by the people who made the Chuck E. Cheese robots. In fact, she was made so fast they left an L out of her name. The producers of the show pilot Daniele via remote so as the show beings its inevitably slide towards extremely boring, it can be spiced up by having Daniele intermittently slap whomever the closest female because catfights equal big ratings. In a righteous and just universe, Daniele is rigged with a cortex bomb that will be detonated as soon as the contestants get annoying (immediately).

Quote: “ERR SYS REG FAIL FAULT 4FA592G07A. ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?”

Dustin, 22
Chicago
Single
Shoe Salesman

Bio: CBS didn’t bother to give Dustin a bio, as he will be the first to be voted off. He will be given a comb as a parting gift.

Quote: “I’ve had a really great experience here and met a lot of cool people and we’ll stay as friends no matter what."

Eric, 27
New York
Single
Talent Management Assistant

Bio: After losing his chin in a tragic boating accident, Eric spent months bedridden at a hospital, where his nose grew to Jewish proportions. Currently working as a talent management assistant, Eric has proved that at age 27, he has no intelligence, goals or desire for people in the entertainment industry to take him seriously. His redeeming factor is his sense of humor, which is horrible, so it’s really easy to laugh at him.

Quote: “Hey guys! What are you doing tonight? Oh, what about you? All of you? All of you are doing nothing together on a Saturday night? Well, okay, see you later then!”

Jameka, 28
Waldorf, Md.
Single
School Counselor

Bio: As the token ethnicity on the show, Jameka looks forward to people mispronouncing her name and hopes to teach them hip-hop. A school counselor, Jameka has nothing but hatred for adolescents and will actively try to do something in the house that makes it impossible to return to work. In her spare time, Jameka has enormous boobs.

Quote: “Have you thought about the armed forces?"

Jen, 23
Beverly Hills, Calif.
Single
Nanny

Bio: As a naïve actress mistakenly hoping that Big Brother will be her break into legitimate acting, Jen will bring a touch of giant, raging bitch to the house. Currently pretending to be a nanny, Jen often brings the children of a very rich person with her to auditions and leaves them in the car with the window cracked open an inch and a pack of Twizzlers. She was chosen because the producers are lazy. Also, her right ear is hideously deformed and she enjoys taking promotional photographs completely naked. She doesn't enjoy sex with grody dudes, but does it anyway out of a sense of obligation.

Quote: “Oh my god? Valet was twelve dollars? I parked in a lot and it cost like fifty dollars, but split four ways so like fifteen dollars or something, which I’ll totally pay to get in to Hyde but what was that? Reception is breaking up. It’s okay I have to go anyway because I have to pick out a father’s day card which is kinda funny because I hate my dad.”

Jessica, 21
Haysville, Kan.
Single
College Student

Bio: Jessica enjoys the feel of spray on face tans and the weight of too much makeup on her face. As a college student from Kansas, she is an uninteresting version of Carol. She was chosen through a clerical error.

Quote: “Ohmigod, Taylor is SO sweet! He is like the best boyfriend ever!”

Joe, 23
Chicago
Single
Receptionist

Bio: Joe is FABULOUS!

Quote: “Oh my god…oh my god! Ahhh! IT’S A COCKROACH! KILL IT! KILL IT! AHHHH, OH MY GOD IT TOTALLY RAN OVER MY FOOT! NO, I WILL NOT GET OFF THE TABLE! YOU’RE THE GIVER, SO BY DEFAULT YOU HAVE TO KILL IT! EWWWW, HERE IS COMES AT ME AGAIN!”

Kail, 37
Married
Business Owner
McKenzie Bridge, Ore.

Bio: Kail’s hobbies include having a stupid name and enjoying her wrinkly neck. After the show is over, she will be tried in court as a negligent mother for leaving her children in the hands of her unfeeling husband to pursue a spot on a low-rated reality show. She has the unique ability of being an old woman, a classification of people that shouldn't be on TV.

Quote: “What the hell? This isn’t The Amazing Race!”

Mike, 26
Three Lakes, Wis.
Single
Painting Contractor

Bio: As the offspring of an elf and a leprechaun, Mike was born with a magical form of extreme dorkitutde. After successfully conquering all the D&D worlds in the planescape universe, Mike went on to try and recover from his nerdiness by buying trendy clothes. Just before this picture was taken, Mike electrocuted himself with a hairdryer. Mike was picked because his dead eyes and terrible smile make him eerily compelling.

Quote: “+10 to AWESOME! Oh shit guys, I gotta go paint a house now."

Nick, 25
Kimball, Minn.
Single
Former Pro Football Player

Bio: As the token hunky stud on the show, Nick is fully prepared to be hunky and to stud. A prodigy athlete, Nick was drafted into the minor leagues of arena football at age 8. Fortunately for him, nobody watches arena football, so at age 13, he was given a spot on, oh let's say…the Bears. He then either tore his knee, broke his achilles tendon and/or sprained his ankle. He was then put on the disabled list for wanting to be on this show. He claims to surf, but he only tried it once. His pyrimidical goatee clinched him the spot on the show, over a former hockey player with a neckbeard.

Quote: “Puff, puff, pass, bra.”

Zach, 30
Burbank, Calif.
Single
Graphic Designer

Bio: Zach faces the dual challenges of lockjaw and severe retardation every day. He poops his pants regularly, has temper tantrums ending in violence every half hour and once kill a small child in a barn by petting it too hard. The producers chose him because they needed at least one likeable person in the house.

Quote: "HUUURRRRRRRRRR"

Poor Soundwave...